A Soundtrack for Today

Collide by Howie Day

The dawn is breaking, A light shining through,
You're barely waking, and I'm tangled up in you.

I'm opening your clothes, rub all over your coat
I worry i won't see your face light up again.
Even the best fall down sometimes, Even the wrong words seems to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find that you and I collide.

I'm quiet you know,
you make a first impression.
but i found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind.
Even the best fall down sometimes,
Even the stars refuse to shine.
Out of the back you fall in time, I somehow find you and I collide.
Don't stop here,
I lost my place,
I'm close behind.

Even the best fall down someitmes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind,
You finally find, you and I collide.
You finally find, you and I collide.
You finally find, you and I, collide.

Somehow this relates in an awkward way with a fellow who send me this letter.

Hey.
I feel guilty about my inability to love. Sometimes I wish I could, most times I thank my lucky stars for having that disability. Maybe it's part of a fortress I build to protect myself. Maybe I'm just emotionally inept.

I'm sorry for not being able to fulfill you emotionally. I'm sorry for not being able to be there physically. I realize I'm a shit boyfriend, but I'm a faithful one. Thank you for being faithful with me. It means a lot to me.

My shoulder is much better, thanks. Another 5 weeks to go before I can finally jump...

I'll talk to you soon,

A

In this world where we are all slaves to gravity, I am proud to be a freedom fighter-Skydive!

Try to find the connection guys, lets see if our mind works the same way....

My Favourite Love Materials

There are some materials, quotations and stories that I think portrays love and in which I heard truth. I just want to share it with other people that reads my blog.

1. I Love you, but only for today
There is a song, that i think is really simple yet very true. In the lyrics, a woman said to her man that she needs to be near to him. Her man lost his words. He is suddenly powerless. He felt a strange feeling when she told him that she loves him. Her man replies, " I love you, I love you too. But only for today. But, I don't know what i would feel tomorrow, and I don't even know whether I would still love you the day after tomorrow."

I felt the same way too. The word "I love you" comes easily for me. Usually after two dates, I fell in love. And then I begin saying "I love you" all the time. But after two weeks, the love is gone. The guy that I am dating is usually confused? At first they thought that I said the word love too early, but when they begin to love me, my love for them is already lost.
The thing with me is, I fall in love easily- but I also get bored easily. To all man that I have loved, please forgive me-if I have made your heart broken. It's not that I have lied to all of you-but everything just happens so fast.

2.Let me kiss away your memory of him from your lips.
I have a favourite short story. In that story, there is a girl who took a cruise trip. She was brokenhearted. When the boat was in the middle of the ocean, she took off her clothes. She stood at the dock of the ship. She was ready to dive into the ocean and kill herself. Everyone on the ship was looking at her and screamed to her, telling her not to jump. But she cried and didn't listen to them. But then a gentleman comes. He asked her why she would want to kill herself. She told him that a man broke her heart. She can't forget him, because everytime she looks at her body, she remembers him. She told him that she could not take it any longer.
The man approaches her. He whispered in her ear " Let me take away all the memory of him in your lips by kissing your lips". He kissed her in her lips. And then he asked her, "where else would you like me to erase your memory of him? .We will make a new memory. But for now, let me begin with your lips."

No, the story ends there. Don't expect a Harlequin style or pornographic story here. Morale of the story for me is: YOU NEED A REBOUND GUY. I know it might appears to be unfair, but what better is a man, than a man who puts a smile back in a girl's face? And to get over love, fall love. To solve a small problem, create a bigger one.

Well, that's all to share for now. I think that's already too long to discern. Tell me if you want some more.

A letter from Europe

Hey Sweetheart,

So finally i'm sending something, been postponing it agin, writing ten different letters, trying to figure out the feelings, trying to control it like I've been doing for a long time already...U see I've been so insecure when dealing with all these emotions that I thought I'd better not tell all those insecurities, that it might make me look weak, that I might get hurt.

...


But the thing is I really get annoyed by myself, filling in the gaps in my mind, trying to reasons my emotions away...But the thing is I still love you so goddamned much, and I have never known what your point of view has been about this...U never said anything, we never really tallked about this...I had no need, I had you as a mental projection, I projected all my fear on this feeling for you and I've been through a lot emotionally...But I guess I needed that to become a man, to realize what my fears were.

But now I realize that I'll always love you, guess it'll fade away once/ If i fall in love again, but I need to get clarity from your side...Just tell me what you felt for me, did u feel anything, or in MTV linguistics, 'did u just play me'?
It's all good if you did,

...

But please tell me your feelings, I need to know this before I can move on...
Why did you give me the address of your blog, do you trust me in such a level, are you referring to me, or is that just a wish from my side, am I reading what I want to read...? So many questions I always asked myself, while I should have asked them to you.

I always wondered what real fear for love was... Was it that I am afraid to dissapoint, or am I afraid to be dissapointed again? But both options are irrelevant fears if reasons blocks both, if love is neglected, I could only hurt myself.

So please tell me straight forward what u felt, don't be afraid to hurt me if u didn't feel anything, I'll open my heart to you and will bear my chest forward, it's in your hand, please squezze it or stroke it, but please tell me...

...






Dear Sir,

In reply to your letter, please give me a moment to contemplate. I shall post my reply soon. I hope you don't mind me posting this letter, as the blog is as much a part of my life as your letter is. Not to mention the fact that my blog have made an impact to your life- as witnessed in your letter. Should you feel that I should not post this letter of yours, feel free to write to me and I will erase it. Anonimity is presumed, since I do not give this blog address to too many people that I know of.


p.s. Nothing, precisely nothing is more beautiful than honesty. Thank you for your honesty.

Yours faithfully,

Sacred Infatuation

Living a Lie

As we grow older, we find it harder to find romance,
because of individuation,
because of what we've been through.

We tend to follow our mind instead of our heart.
We lose contact to our intuition,
we begin quantifying emotions in cost and benefit analysis

Yet, some of us seize the moment
and live with it.
Some who believe in dreams,
Some who enjoys live,
Some of us who are brave enough to follow their heart.

I admire those people.
For we are only what we pursue.
If we pursue for carreer, power, money than that is only what we are worth.
Nothing less and nothing more.

But if we pursue for love,
nothing is greater than love,
for we are born only because of love,
and with love shall we fill our days.

If one pursues love,
love is never lost,
love is not a target that could be achieved.

Love comes from ourselves.
The moment we love,
We are filled with more love.

Yet our mind does not want to lose its power.
How could we lose contact, and even be afraid of something that is so near to us,
something that made us come to this world,
something that we always have?

We can't see thought as much as we can't see love.
We can't see our brain as much as we can't see our heart.
Then why and when did our heart becomes powerless to our mind?
The moment you stop listening to your heart.
The moment you deny what your heart says.
And now, you are drawn in self dillusion,
That you don't even know when your heart speaks.
You can't even differentiate when it's your mind or your heart that is speaking.

You think you are protecting yourself by refraining to fall in love,
but what do you gain?

Tell me,
Is it worth living a live filled with fear of love?

The life of a loving one is courageous and honest.
The life of a loving one is filled with fulfillment and self content.
The life of a loving one is without regret.

Try running away,
try to dilute your self,
and you will live a lie,
in what you believe is true.

And when your last breath comes,
What have you done all your live?
Running....
And what do you have?
Illusion...


this writing is inspired by writings by Eckhart Tolle, Mevlana Jallaludin Rumi, Oscar Wilde, and Aristoteles.

Dating and Gaming

Dating, like every other game that people play- requires practice and efforts for mastery.
Do not hesitate in dating, it is time well spent.
For a successfull date, I will give a few tips:

1. Background check
If you know him from workplace, find out where he lives or comes from.
If you know him from a friend, ask the friend about his hobby.
If you know him in a place, find out if he's a regular (i advise not to date people you meet in pubs and clubs)

2. Ice breaker
The background check is for ice breaker, something to start the conversation with. Do not ask sensitive issues like age or salary. Just show how interested you are to know him/her.

3. Places to go
Do not go for romantic candle light dinner for your first date. If your date turns out to sooooo boring, there is no way for you to run away. Dont go to theatres, you are there for a date, you want to know your date.
Try going to public places, or do sports. In case the date fails, you can still have fun with the activities, or....with other people that you met.

4. Courtesy
Manner is important. Do not ditch your date. Do not be rude to your date. Do not have a fight on who's paying. You never know where the road may wind up. Maintain good relationship.

5. Outfit
No matter what happens, wear something comfortable. People like to see other people that is comfortable in their own skin. Don't dress like Paris Hilton- we want to hang out with people that is similar with us- but if you are similar to Paris Hilton, I guess that's ok as long as you are comfortable.

Now, this is only a general first date tips, further developments and advice will be determined on a case per case basis. Anyways, all you players and daters- GOOD LUCK!!!

Black

Paint it Black, the Rolling Stones sing.
Black black heart, says David Usher.

i am currently addicted to black.
for its simplicity, exclusivity, and easy maintenance.
the color of mourning,
the color of loneliness, for nothing could thriump over black.
the color of combination-for it resulted from a lot of mixture.

i don't want to be bothered with other externalities,
for once, i just want me, and i only think about myself.
for once, i am me for my sake.
i just want to blend in black, for i am black.
and i do not let the light come in. i
i want to stay in the darkness that is black.
i feel familiar.
i feel i found home.

and when i'm ready-to light should this road leads- and finishes in complexities.

hunter and prey

as the winter comes, the hunter chase after the prey.
set the target- hunt - and defeat.
wonders, that is what winter brings.

i enjoyed the hunting game though.
i came back with a party token.
it feels as though i am winning although i am the prey.

who is being ridiculous now?

oh, i know.
perhaps because love cease to exist.
only in the name of love-winning and losing does not exist.

as a contrary to that statement,
isn't everything just in the name of law and war?
i do not believe that.

my hunters likes me.
everyone loves my hunters.
but they chose me.
yet my heart belongs to someone else.

" and i'll keep on changing partners...till you are in my arms again"

what i believe

1. i believe in equality-but some are more equal than others
2. i believe in privacy-but freedom of expression is what i love
3. i believe in truth- but simple truth is not absolute
4. i believe in puzzle-but the rest remain unsolved
5. i believe everyone know what they don't want-but not what they want
6. i believe i am him, he is no other than me-but he is not me
7. i believe i don't know what i believe.

The First Number

is zero really is the first number?
i do not believe so.
i believe 1 is the first number.

how do you prove zero?
by substracting the number 1.

3 comes from 1+1+1
2 comes from 1+1
1 comes from 1+0
where does 0 comes from? 1-0

all other numbers come from 1,
the only number that cannot prove its existence is 0.

therefore i believe even 1 comes from 1.
which leads to the conclusion, at first there is only 1.

Leonardo, my best friend

leonardo, wise as leonardo da vinci.
leonardo is my best friend.
he calms me down when i'm upset.
he completely understand my background and emotional state.
I have this emotional weakness of being drawn too much into details that i forget the big picture.
I am a freek and perfectionist to the core when it comes to details.
so, whenever i realize i'm being drawn into a hell that i created, i seek for his advice and guidance.
although sometimes his premonition and prediction is wrong, still he successfully calms me down.
i think the only time when he fails to do that was when he was the object that i fuzzed with my details complexity.

the most beautiful thing about leonardo is how he understands both male and female. i feel like i'm safe with him, safe from being judged because he already knows everything about me. i hear truth in what he says although it sometime is painful. he puts me in a other people's perspective and stop thinking about myself for a while, to understand the message underlying a condition that i face.

so i knew something negative was occuring to me last night. i gave him a call and told him the situation i'm facing. he listen patiently although i was yelling as if he was the one to blame. after a while, when my voice is normal- he told me to be realistic with my expectation. he reminded me not to return back to my extremist patterns. he told me to have fun and enjoy my time. i took a few minute for reminiscence. i let his words sips through and marinated in my heart, for it was already in my mind.

after a few chanting of my Beloved names, i was back in my positive state. blisfull. it sure is hell when negative energy attacks you. i hope in the future i will learn how to manage my negative energy by myself, so others wont be nothered by it.