Pumpkin

Yellow, orange and round,
Yet she is mellow when she was found.

I have been hiding pumpkin since i met her last year, because her face reminds me a lot of her founder. I adopted her in one cold night a year ago. Just like a bad mother, i resented any memories that she brings, so i kidnapped her and put her in a safer place, away from me, therefore no violence would happen to her.

Little did i know, that the safe place that i entrust to safeguard and take care of her, did not give enough space for her to breathe or grow. Her once chubby cheek is all hollow and black. Yet she never complains, not even once. And from that same cheek, I can still see her smile. Her big white teeth are still greeting me. Her big eyes are still as adorable as ever. And her witch hat is still in place.

When her founder wanted to see her, I lied to him. I told him that i have lost her. The truth is, i didn't want him to take the most precious thing that i have from him, the memory of him in pumpkin. I wanted to give the image that i no longer cared about him, and anything related to him, including pumpkin. But now, i feel so guilty to pumpkin. Come pumpkin, we will go to the place where you belong to. Where you could feel the breeze of the air, where free food is just beneath your head, and water pours on you wherever you want. And maybe someday i can see pumpkin's babies and grandkids. Thank you for smiling for me and staying with all through these times. Thank you for forgiving me pumpkin. And now i let you go, have your freedom pumpkin! I will visit you once in a while. ANd if you want to, you can always meet your father-and if you bump to him, i hope you will be happy to see him again.

Good Bye

Dear all,

I am officially moving to another home in this virtual complex. Being a hit woman (if such term ever exist), there is just too much disclosure that will reveal my personality- and so, I have to move. People who are very close to my heart could still track me down of course, but only if i let them do it.

This is the perfect time of the year to say goodbye, to everyone. No more explanations, i'll just keep it simple.

goodbye.

Dear Mommy and Daddy

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
I cried during our phone conversation,
But you didn't know about it.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
I am tired of endless marriage conversation,
I am very sorry to dissapoint you again.

But what can i do?
I once lost my love and hope of marriage.
I have not yet found any man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
And no man has offered themselves to marry me.
Almost all of them run away because they are afraid that I will ask them to marry me.
This has become an endless vicious circle.
The end becomes the beginning.

Mommy and Daddy,
How could you say that I am not following God's rules by not wanting to get married?
I do.
I never have the intention to disobey you, not to mention God.
Please, please stop torturing me.
Stop blaming my self for being intelligent enough,
for being beautiful enough,
for being weird enough,
that the fact that men do not want to marry me because they are scared,
becomes my fault.

Once a man says that the biggest son that God hates is when a person is not happy with their life.
That means that person is ungrateful with what has been given.
Well Mom and Dad,
I am not happy.
I am not going to blame you.

I have control over my happiness.
If I am unhappy, that is solely because of me and me alone.
But sometimes you guys triggers it.

God, please help me.
Please send a man that I love and loves me back and is willing to marry me.
A man that my family would also loves.
I am tired God.
This way everyone will be happy.
I dont want to hurt anyone.

Realization

Dear Bobby,
Thank you very much for loving me. I guess I just realized that you love me. You love me for me. It has been a long time, if not forever, that a person would love me for who I am. Thank you.

Although people sometime don't understand why I love you, I don't care. They cannot see how beautiful your heart is. Though many comes, you are the one that I choose to stay with. And with the passing time, I am thankful that I listened to my heart for this one, otherwise I would have been losing something that I could never have known exist.

And when I have revealed all my layers, there you are, loving me.
I love you, with or without your layers.

If I could list all the things that I love about you, I don't think any list would be enough.

Thank You

I have reached a new stage of trust and love with you,
for you are the one that i run to when i was sick and i need,
and you were there.

You remain solid as a rock,
when i was as vulnerable as a china,
i could never thank enough for you being here for me.

I love you more and more each day.
I dare not ask anything from you,
for i am more than grateful with what i have with you now.

thank you for being yourself,
you are the greatest gift that was ever sent.

He

He would send me clovers with three leaves before each presentation,
and he would remember my favorite drink.
He would send me love letters,
and manage to say I love you every night before I sleep.
He would browse the whole internet to find out any help that I need,
and try to be my shoulder to cry on.
He would fly thousands of miles just to meet me,
and leave everything behind.

He would tell stories about me to his friends and families,
because he is so proud of having me.
He always says how beautiful I am,
and he remembers all the outfit that I have worn.

But he left me.

He would never call just to say I love you.
He always ask me what I want to drink.
He doesn't know what to say or do when I am upset.
He stays quiet when I am angry.
He wouldn't walk a mile for me.
He wouldn't hold my hands when we're in public.

But I love him.
I guess, the more I love him- the more he dislikes me-the more he would take me for granted-the more I have to tolerate.

Remembering Mr. RS

Mr. RS made me stronger in here.
He was and still is my mentor.

Everytime i am lazy, i remember his last words before I came here.
He said, "Things will be though there, and you have to work hard. Judging from your work here, I don't think the energy that you have put in here will make you survive there."
So everytime i don't want to open my books because i have re-read all my materials for the third time, I will re-read it until i know all the cases by heart, just to make sure that i am not being a lazy bum.

During the period when he was my dear boss, he told me that I don't even have the capability to read Wall Street Journal or Financial Times. Well guess what, dear Mr. RS? now I am not only reading those papers, but i am examining them. Analyzing each article every day. I am even writing a scientific journal based on those articles.

Mr. RS told me that I would only have the ability to read Wall Street Journal and Financial Times, after 3 years of working for him. Of course, if i was still working with you. Because I have to find out by myself, and with all my compulsory billable hours, how am i supposed to do that? And in 1 months, with the assistance of 2 men with 30 years of experience in finance- Yes, i can read it. I can understand it. I can do it, Mr. RS. Faster than you have predicted. Why? Because I am doing it my way.

Mr. RS told me that he is going to make me take the Basic Accounting courses. After 9 months of waiting, I wasn't even listed for the course. He was always comparing me with DK, the prominent woman in finance that he molded. I might still not be good enough compared to DK. But i proved to myself, that I don't have to wait on your promise to learn about accounting. In my first week here, Mr. RS, I learned finance and accounting for lawyers. Straight from the person who wrote the book of finance and accounting for lawyer. The very same person who got summa cum-laude from both Harvard Law School, Harvard Business School and Princeton.
Now, not only do I know Basic Accounting- I mastered the strategy of finance, accounting and law for each financial institution, you name it Mr. RS, insurance company, bank, corporation, or investment company. I CAN READ THE WHOLE CONSOLIDATED FINANCIAL REPORT, and make a better strategy for them.

Oh yeah, Mr. RS once mocked me for not knowing what Sarbanes Oxley is. Well Mr. RS, now I know it. I know it by heart. I know the history. I know what's its' impact on how US company is doing its business in our country.

Mr. RS never gave me credits. I know what he said when my friends were so happy that I got accepted in here. Mr. RS said, "Oh come on, it's not that hard to get to Harvard." Then tell me why you didn't go here, if it ain't that hard?

But oh, did I have my share of fun when I told him that I am not taking Human Rights program. In a very slight moment, I can see that element of surprise in his eyes. I murmured, "oh, i haven't told you this, but i am taking the International Finance concentration." BINGOOO!!! He was puzzled. Only for a second though. His vanity comes to the rescue then. "I didn't know that you can do that", he said. "Oh yes, I can", I told him.

Hahahahaha. Earlier that year, when our relationship were still sweet, instead of bitter sweet-during a flight he told me that the gateway to be a prominent lawyer is to excell in finance. I did exactly what he said. But not his way. I did it my way.Hahaha.

Mr. RS opposed consistently with my idea to take a master degree this year. He told me I would need another 4 years of experience. I rebelled. He told me that I would have difficulty. I am too much of a snob to admit that it is damn hard to understand financial stuff without experience, but hey I managed. One and a half year of experience is enough Mr. RS. Thinking about it now, I think the amount of knowledge that I get 1 month in here is equal to my knowledge during 6 months of working with you. Fair share and fair deal. Of course the difference is that I pay to be educated in here, while on the other situation, you pay me to be educated.

Mr. RS told me that I was working for a dracula. That my money comes from blood sucking money. That parts of my money comes from corruption.
Well, I tell you what Mr. RS. Is it not corruption for not paying the real individual and corporation tax? Tell me, because I saw your tax report, haha. Tell me is it not corruption to hand the corrupted job to another lawyer because you want your hands to be clean?

You aint nothing better than my boss that you called a "dracula". At least dracula is honest. Dracula keeps his promises to me. Dracula treated me with respect. Dracula is humble. Dracula is not self pretentious. Above all else, I am proud to have worked with dracula- because I DEFENDED MY MINORITY NATIONALS. I do not defend the big blood sucking companies. I feel a sense of purpose in doing what i did with him. And most of all, dracula believed in my capability and gave me a sense of self esteem and pride.

But Mr. RS, after all you put me through, you think i would despise you? But I want to thank you, Mr. RS.
As christina aguilera would put it:

1. Thank you for making me stronger
2. Thank you for making me work harder
3. Thank you for making my skin thicker
4. Thank you for making me study faster
5. Thank you for making me wiser
6. Thank you for making me smarter
   
7. Thank you for making me a fighter
   

Oh Mr. RS, I hope the bridge is not burned yet between us. I kinda miss you here.